Are You Mentally Terrorising Your Children Because Of Divorce?
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Some people decide to stay in a bad, or non-functional marriage for the sake of the children. They want to leave the matrimonial home and start a new life but they don’t. Later in life, they may discover that they didn’t do their children any favors by staying in the relationship. They certainly weren’t happy and chances are everyone in the household was suffering because of what was going on emotionally.
The amount of damage that is going on right now for many children due to marital problems needs to be addressed. They are subjected to seeing verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. They may see affection or money withheld in order to exhibit some control over the other party. None of these issues are good for children to be witnessing and you can rest assured that this will leave memories of a very unhappy childhood.
It is the emotional state of children that often keep people in a marriage when they really want out. They have heard all the horror stories about children with trust issues and relationship issues due to their parents being divorced. But it isn’t the fact that their parents are divorced that caused the negative issues in the children. Most often it is due to how things were handled before, during, and after the divorce.
It is often the actions of parents that are inappropriate and that is what damages the children when a divorce takes place. The image of seeing dad call mom hateful and inappropiate names, or mom throwing dishes in anger, or crying alone in the dark at night isn’t something that a child will never forget. There are going to be rocky issues to deal with surrounding a divorce but do your best to shield your children from seeing them.
Children will pick up on the tension between parents. If there is an ongoing battle, the kids are going to be in the direct line of fire. It can be very damaging for them to see such issues taking place. It is possible to divorce someone and still have a decent relationship with them and it is possible for you to work as a team to do what is best for the children.
If you can work out the details of the divorce so that the children are well cared for it will prevent them from being scarred. Messy divorces where both parties are blaming the other and getting the children in the middle of it aren’t going to benefit anyone at all. Never say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. That person is still their parent and someone they both love and respect.
Make sure you take the time to talk to your children from their point of view about the divorce. Let them have some control over the direction those conversations take. They may have questions and you need to answer them. It’s okay to let them see your emotions during the divorce, to let them see you pset or sad. Just make sure you reassure them that everything is going to be fine. As long as they feel loved and safe they will be able to get through the divorce without ongoing problems.
Speak to your kids and explain what is happeming, and why. Being a responible parent means you are not mentally terrorising your children because of divorce. You do need to make sure you are well aware of how they are going to be affected though. You want to know what to expect so you can be there to meet the needs of your children. Make sure they know they can come to either parent for anything they need. You also need to consider your own actions. Make sure you are fully aware of how they will influence your children.
There are many well adjusted adults in the world that do come from broken homes. They will be the first to tell you that the situation was for the better for everyone involved. It is refreshing to know that because the decision to divorce is one that doesn’t come easily. Yet if it is the right decision for your family then you just need to put the needs of your children first and not mentally terrorise them because of divorce.
How to define the rules for your kids if you get divorced
Even when married it isn’t always easy to be the best of
mentors for the children, so you can imagine that it doesn’t
get any easier if and when parents split up. Alas, it can be
considered even more of a challenge when you need to “sleep
with the enemy”, metaphorically speaking, of course. As in
any relationship, children should come first, and for their
sakes parents, married or not, need to agree on certain
guidelines for the future upbringing of their offspring.
Adopting an attitude of indifference or playing the injured
party in a pending divorce just doesn’t wash, and it will
have dire consequences for all concerned further down the
road, if that’s the way one parent chose to go. Kids of
today, and not just teenagers, catch on quick and if they
sense a split in the parental ranks, as far as rules are
concerned, they will pick the rules that will benefit them
most. This will be possible, because you will have handed
them the opportunity on a silver platter and you both will
lose control. The real loser will be a disturbed child, or
children.
In reality, you and your ex spouse aren’t going to agree on
all the rules for the children in both households. That is a
war that very few people will ever win. Yet you can do your
part by attempting to come to a compromise on those that are
very important for you as well as for the well being of your
children. It is a good idea to write down the rules so that
everyone knows what it to be expected.
Should one of the parents have a new partner, and that
relationship is new, or maybe the cause of the break-up,
don’t have the new partner at the meeting with your former
spouse. That can be considered as very inappropriate and can
be construed as punching below the belt. Regarding the
guidelines for the kids, it is important that you stick to
some rules that are to be valid at both households. These
rules allow your child to adjust quicker to his new
life-style of commuting between both sets of parents. Agreed
bedtimes and what time to be indoors at night will quickly
help to create stability in your child’s life. He or she
deserves this!
Curfews are also one rule that you want to have in place
for both homes. Otherwise your children will start to
venture to spend more time with the parent who gives them
the most freedom. This can result in some very serious
problems for you as well as your children down the road.
The rules that are established for both households aren’t
going to be set in stone. There may come a time when some of
them need to be re-evaluated. If you are able to communicate
well with your ex spouse schedule a time for the two of you
to discuss it. Once you have come to some conclusions you
can discuss the results with the children. It is best if you
can do this together though. They will be more receptive to
a united front then if only one parent is approaching them
about the rule changes.
Occasionally some rules will be in the kids favor - for
instance you may perhaps give them a later time to turn in
at night, or a later time to be indoors at night due to the
fact that a child is older and shows responsibility. Others
rules may reduce freedom slightly, which could be
constraining time spent in front of the television or
playing computer games. It’s necessary to keep your finger
on the pulse and keep things in check so your kids remain in
balance.
Too many parents tend to feel so bad that their children
are in the middle of the divorce that they become extremely
lenient. They don’t set boundaries as they don’t want to
upset their children. They also don’t want to be looked at
as the Mean One as compared to the other parent. Yet
children do crave boundaries and rules even if they won’t
tell you so.
Never bend the rules that you and your spouse have agreed
upon for both households. Doing so is going to create more
problems for you than it is worth. The other parent is
eventually going to find out and they will likely be both
hurt and angry over it. You may think you will win some
affection from your children if you let them have a later
curfew but that isn’t going to happen. They will have more
respect for you if you stick to the established rules that
are in place.
As a divorcee, setting up crystal clear rules for children
is a crucial step in pacifying everyone. However, if you
don’t understand the importance of this, you’ll soon
discover that there are disputes and conflicts just waiting
to explode in your face. Don’t allow a major power battle to
be the consequence of a broken promise.
Hello fellow divorced parents
Without digging into the why’s and how’s of what causes divorce, this blog is aimed at offering tips, advice and some good reading to any divorced parent out there.
Being a full-time, single parent myself I know a little of what life’s problems can bring.
In due course, I’ll be covering many different topics and I won’t be pulling any punches! If what we publish here is of interest to one single person, then my job’s done.
I hope you drop in from time to time 
